I love the rain. It fills me with a sense of calm and peacefulness. I don’t know why but I’ve always enjoyed bad stormy weather. Today after a couple of days of extreme heat we woke to dark dark skies, thunder, lightning and torrential rain. I loved it.
I’ve been quite down recently, it’s probably exhaustion the Dr says. She did some tests with me last week (counting backwards in 7’s from 100 was not an easy task) and has deduced I’m either suffering stress or depression. Some days I feel fantastic, other days I scream, shout and generally lose it all day.
My memory feels like it’s long gone. Names and places I’ve known for decades I’m struggling to think of. Song lyrics have left me. I’m forgetting words or using the wrong ones. Walking into a room, opening a new tab or going to the shops and forgetting what I was doing or what I was there for, are unfortunately all quite regular. A few weeks ago I forgot how to turn off my indicator after going round a corner. I panicked.
In the end I actually went to the Dr about a sore ear, and mentioned my memory as an extra. The tears probably didn’t help. I’ve had depression before and the thought that once again I might not be in control of my body and mind really scares me. Blood tests came back all fine so at least I know I’m not deficient in anything (other than possibly serotonin).
This morning when I woke and saw the weather I felt better than I had any day for weeks. Maybe the rain combined with the fact it’s a Wednesday and both boys would be in nursery was the clincher? Either way, my morning walk to nursery was decidedly joyous. WeeB (4) wore waterproofs and wellies and we splashed in puddles. I have a sense of excitement, a lot more patience and a smile which doesn’t feel forced. I feel like something big is going to happen.
The sun looks like it might be making a comeback and I’m ok with that. As long as we get our rainy days for my sanity every so often. As a self confessed pluviophile I need them.